The Pureblood and the Knife
by thatoneunevenchick
Summary: Draco blames himself for the deaths of everyone and punishes himself for it, but can Hermione help him overcome his guilt
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I can't determine how long these chapters will be some of them might be short some might be long. But I just want to say don't get made if I don't post another chapter for a while sometimes I get major writers block.**

**Chapter One**

Draco held the knife tightly in his hand. He looked down at his wrist, sneering as he did so. Draco, completely disgusted with himself threw the knife to the end of his bed. Draco sighed, walking to the bathroom to clean himself up. He could have just used a cleansing charm but the last time he'd done that the cuts had got infected. Draco grabbed a washcloth from the cupboard and ran it under the hot water. Draco turned off the faucet and squeezed out the excess water. Draco hissed as the hotness of the wet washcloth came in contact with his open skin. Draco turned the faucet back on and ran the now dirty washcloth under the water, watching as it turned back to its original state and the water turned red. Draco sighed and went back into his room, picking up the knife and putting it in the top drawer of his dresser. Draco rolled down his sleeves and re-buttoned the cuffs. As Draco walked out of his flat he tried not to think about what he'd just done. He hadn't done it in awhile and he wouldn't go as far to say that it felt good it just felt right. Draco walked slowly down the muggy street. The weather matched his glum mood perfectly. He felt bad for one reason and one reason only, the invite. The invite that he hadn't been excepting to receive, and the invite that he'd dreaded opening. He's tried his hardest to ignore the guilt he felt and the annoying feeling in his gut that seemed to bother him more and more as of late. Even though he'd received an invite he wasn't sure he would go seeing as he thought he would not be welcome. He held himself responsible for most of the deaths and going would only make him feel worse. And as punishment Draco made the decision to go.

Draco stood in his room, clad in only his boxers, trying to figure out what would be appropriate to wear.

"Sticky" Draco called. With a pop a small house elf appeared.

"Yes Master Draco?"

"Which one?" Draco asked holding up two sets of clothes, one with a plain green tie and one that had a tie with stripes.

"The one with the plain tie Master Draco, or at least that's what Sticky thinks"

"Yes thank you Sticky, you may go" with a pop the house elf disappeared. Draco quickly dressed and grabbed his wand off the table, stopping to examine himself in the mirror, he nodded once then apparated.

They choose to have the memorial where most were buried. It was Mr. Weasley's turn to speak. As much as Draco had and still slightly hated the Weasley's he did feel sorry for Mr. Weasley having lost two children. Draco looked up for the first time at all the crying faces. He noticed most everyone there but one stood out the most. She had her head bent, her shoulders shaking. The man standing next to her was unmistakable. Unlike her he was not crying only standing there saying nothing but comforting the distressed women beside him. Draco anger flared up inside him, he had the sudden impulse to run over to her and comfort her, tell her everything would be okay. He of course did not run to her side, he did not tell her everything would be okay. He simply stood there watching with utmost concern. Draco's attention was suddenly drawn back to Mr. Weasley as he finished his speech making an excuse for Mrs. Weasley as to why she was not there. When Mr. Weasley finished people dispersed into small groups to talk to one another. Draco strode across the small patch of grass to stand by the man that had been comforting the women.

"Malfoy, what are you doing here?"

"In what sense Potter?"

"In the sense of putting your filth in front of me"

"Ouch getting a little feisty now aren't we?"

"What do you want?"

"Oh I just came to ask how your women's doing"

"Wha- Hermione?" Harry said turning his head to look at Hermione who was standing off, talking to Ginny. "Hermione's not my women"

"Oh? I just assumed…"

"Yeah well assumption is the mother of all fuck ups"

"So if she's not your women then whose is she?"

"No one's as far as I know"

"Oh yes right because she obviously isn't Weasley's any more"

"Wow Malfoy really? Somehow, and I think you're the only person who can do this, you take a bad situation and make it worse" Harry said, stomping off

"But you've got to admit that's one of my better qualities" Draco shouted after him. Harry flipped Draco off and Draco shrugged it off as nothing. Draco slowly made his way over to Hermione and silently stood behind her.

"Hermione" Ginny said giggling.

"What?" Ginny pointed behind Hermione and she quickly turned around.

"Geez Malfoy you scared the shit out of me"

"Sorry"

"You should be" Hermione said laughing. "So ah you're here" Draco nodded "You look nice" Hermione commented.

"Thanks um you look nice too" Draco said gesturing to Hermione. _'A complete under statement' _ Draco thought to himself. The dress she was wearing was black and fell just above her knees. It was sleeve-less and hugged her perfect body just right. She had her hair tucked up into and bun and small pieces fell around her face. Her eyes were still red rimed from her crying, but Draco pretended not to notice.

"Thanks" Hermione said accepting the complement with a smile.

"So what've you been up to Malfoy? I haven't seen you since… graduation" Hermione recovered quickly.

"Ah I haven't been up to much of anything, went to visit my father the other day"

"Your father's in Azkaban right?"

"Yes, yes he is"

"And your mother?""

"At the Manor"

"And you?"

"Ever the noisy one eh Granger?"

"Just wondering"

"Fine alright, I have my own flat if you must know, I've also got a house elf thank you very much"

"A house elf?" Hermione asked raising an eyebrow.

"Oh please Granger you're not still on that about house elf's not being treated right. If you must know I take very good care of my house elf"

"I was going to say that having a house elf to clean your flat seems impractical"

"Oh no it's completely practical, my flat is quite large"

"I see well I must go I've got some things"

"Alright"

"Keep in touch please" Hermione said squeezing Draco's arm as she walked away.

_**Flash back**_

"_Wait Draco" Hermione called. "Come back" Draco walked back in by Hermione and kissed her forehead _

"_We can't keep doing this, in the end one of us with be holding the string waiting for the other to pick it back up"_

"_Please" she whispered in his ear "Stay" Draco sighed and crawled back under the blankets._

Draco lay on his bed, spread eagle on his back. He looked up at the ceiling, it was quite plain really, not much to look at. Draco couldn't stop thinking of Hermione, the way she looked at the memorial, with her shoulder length hair that she'd expertly pulled up into a bun that seemed less frizzy and her perfectly curvy body. Draco mentally cursed himself for thinking such things he didn't need to be filling his head with such things, there was already too much in there anyway. Draco decided to send a letter to Hermione. He didn't have much to talk about seeing is how he just say her yesterday but she had said to keep in touch. Draco didn't know what to say so it turned out to be a lot of rambling and ums. Draco sighed and folded the letter, walking over to where his eagle owl sat perched in his cage. Draco opened the door to the cage and held out his arm. His owl simply looked at him and ruffled his feathers.

"Aw come on Caspar" Draco said shaking his arm a little "I need you to deliver this" at this statement along with the shaking of an envelope Caspar crawled out onto Draco's arm. Draco gave the owl the letter, which clasped it in its beak gratefully.

"Give this to Hermione Granger" Caspar cocked his head to the side before flying out the open window. Draco sighed and began undoing the buttons on his shirt. Draco slipped out of the bothersome green fabric and threw it into the hamper. Draco looked down at his wrists, he frowned at the realization that none of his cuts had healed. He could cut on his right arm but he couldn't stand to touch that thing. Draco groaned and flopped down on his bed. Draco breathed in the aroma of his clean pillow; all he could do now was sit and wait.

_**Flashback**_

"_Hermione"_

"_Draco you said it yourself" Draco bit his lip and held back the tears that so badly wanted to escape. _

"_But I didn't mean it"_

"_You got attached I didn't whose fault is that?" Draco put his hand out to stop the door from shutting._

"_Please Hermione"_

"_I'm sorry" she said slowly shutting the door "I can't"_

_Draco, I would like to have you over for lunch, it's been so long since you last visited and I wish to see you again so we can catch up. Send me an owl with the time and date._

_-Mother_

Draco folded the note and put it in his pocket. Draco had been intending to visit his mother for some time now and this seems reasonable. Draco quickly wrote a return letter to his mother and gave it to the owl. Draco walked into his room and grabbed his over night bag quickly shoving clothes into it. Draco ducked when an owl swooped in and landed on his bed. Draco took the letter from the bird and patted it on the head, watching as it took off again. Draco read over the note once, nodded then apparated.

"Mother" Draco called.

"In the den" Narcissa shouted back. Draco walked into the den and greeted his mother with a kiss on both cheeks. "How are you Draco dear?"

"Fine, and you?"  
>"Oh I'm holding up alright"<p>

"Good, good" Draco said nodding.

"So you'll be staying a few days then?" Narcissa said looking at Draco's bag.

"Ah, yes"

"Good, good"

"Is my room still vacant?"

"Well yes of course" Draco nodded, turning and walking to his room.

Draco looked down at his wrists, dripping with blood. He groaned with the realization that he had broken his one and only rule; don't cut until the wounds have healed. Draco needed help and he knew it, but he couldn't tell his mother she would be so disappointed and she would never let him go anywhere by himself again. He needed to find someone he could trust. The problem was he didn't trust very many people, and not many people trusted him in return. Draco quickly cleaned himself up and shoved the dirty washrag in the bottom of his hamper.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Draco looked at his mother from across the table and smiled, it was nice to spend time with her again. It was Saturday morning, the day he always went to visit his father.

"Mother" Draco said looking up from his plate.

"Yes dear?"

"Well," he said fidgeting a bit "It's Saturday"

"I'm aware"

"Well Saturday is usually the day I go to visit father, and I was wondering if maybe you'd come with me?" Narcissa looked up at Draco, shock splattered on her face.

"Draco,"

"You don't have to I just thought, you know, it's been awhile since you saw him"

"Draco, I"

"Please" Draco said breaking eye contact and looking back down at his unfinished breakfast "He misses you" Draco whispered. Narcissa cleared her throat, causing Draco to look up at her.

"Of course I'll go with you dear, I have no intention of letting you go by yourself"

"Thank you" Draco said quietly. They finished their breakfast in silence it wasn't until Draco cleared his throat that Narcissa made eye contact again.

"Well it was nice having breakfast with you" Draco said pushing back his chair "I'll go clean up before we leave."

Narcissa held her son close to him as they walked the dark, musty corridors. They stopped in front of cell 394 and knock quietly on the door. The slant to the door was opened and Lucius Malfoy's dark deadened eyes appeared.

"Draco my boy" Lucius said with as much happiness as he could muster

"Father" Draco said curtly.

"Narcissa" Lucius whispered softy "So you've come to visit me have you?"

"Of course, even though you may believe it with all your mind and whatever soul you have left I have not forgotten about you" Draco looked away, uncomfortable with the exchange. He studied the grey stone walls around him; he noticed the way that they seem almost went, as if someone had thrown buckets of water on them. Draco shivered at the sudden eerie-ness that he hadn't felt upon arrival; the eerie-ness that made his skin crawl every minute he had to spend here, that made him squirm with uneasiness.

"Draco" His mother said shaking him the slightest bit, noticing his glazed expression.

"Yes?" he said snapping out of his reprieve.

"Your father wishes to talk with you, alone" Draco nodded and watched as his mother walked down the hall a ways.

"Yes?" Draco said turning once again to his father.

"Your mother," he stated "why is she here?"

"I'm spending some time with her"

"Is that the only reason she came?" Lucius said disappointment clear in his voice.

"I believe so" Lucius sighed.

"Leave I wish not to speak to either of you, leave me in my agony" Draco shook his head, closing the slant on the door as he walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Draco please you've been here two days"

"Sorry mother" Draco was only leaving because he'd gotten a response to the letter he'd sent Hermione. It'd come in last night as Draco was lying on his bed. Caspar had fluttered in through the open window and dropped a letter on his lap. He sat up and opened it slowly; he noticed however that his name was written in a nice neat script on the front. Draco opened the letter and read it to himself.

_Draco,_

_ (Sigh) I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to write back but I've been quite busy lately and just didn't have the time to write back. Things are great for me right now a little stressful but good all the same. It was nice seeing you again and I'm sorry if I was being noisy about your personal life, that's not something that you have to share with me if you don't want. Your letter was a little hard to read I wonder if maybe you were sleepy? I don't know it's not really any of my business is it? But it was still nice to here from you. I wonder if maybe sometime you would want to get coffee or have dinner or something. I mean if you're up for it I'm not forcing you to do anything that you don't want to do I would never do that. But I think it would be nice to maybe talk and catch up on some things, you know just talk, and it doesn't even have to be about anything. Harry doesn't want me to talk to you because he says that you're still a stuck up prick, but I don't believe him. I think you've changed really I have. But anyway my letters getting extensive and my hand is starting to hurt so I'll stop but right me back about getting together._

_ Hope to hear from you soon_

_ -Hermione_

Draco wondered if there a something she was trying to hint at about him changing. He shrugged it off. His mother's snapping her fingers in his face brought him back to the present.

"Yes?"

"Promise you'll visit again?"

"Promise"

"Sooner this next time" She said hugging him tight

"Yes of course"

**A/N Like I said sorry for the short chapters sometimes my brain just can't put that much into a chapter but more to come soon don't worry. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Draco dropped his bag on the floor and flopped down in the chair. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He still hadn't written back to Hermione, manly because he didn't know what to say. He wanted to see Hermione again but he wondered if it might still be awkward, given their history. Draco shook his head and got up, walking to his room. He sat down at his desk and pulled out a quill and parchment.

_Hermione,_

_ It's great to hear from you again yes I would _Draco frowned and crossed it out.

_Hermione,_

_ It's wonderful to hear from you again. It would be absolutely wonderful if we got together sometime maybe for coffee or something. Anyway about Potter saying I'm a prick you really don't have to listen to him at all, I mean you are a grown woman after all. Anyway I didn't write you a note to rag on Potter as much as I'd like to. Coffee or dinner or just talking would be nice let we know when you're able to. _

_Sincerely,_

_Draco_

Draco folded the letter and put it in Caspar's beak, watching him as he flew out the window.

Hermione sat at her desk sifting through the papers, she sighed and gave up looking it was almost time to leave anyway. It'd been a week since she responded to Draco's letter about coffee. She'd said it might be awhile but they'd set a date anyway and he was supposed to pick her up after work to day. There was a knock on the door that made Hermione jump.

"Come in" she called. The door slowly opened, and there standing before her was one Draco Malfoy.

"Draco"

"Thought I'd come by early"

"Oh well I have to drop off some papers and then we can go" Draco nodded and rocked back on his heals. Draco made his way over to Hermione's book shelf and started pulling titles out. However a particular one caught his eye. He slowly pulled it out and looked at the cover.

"Bridge to Terabithea?" Draco said holding the book for Hermione to see "It's rather short don't you think?" Hermione looked up at Draco.

"Yes it is but it's a good book all the same"

"Never heard of it"

"That's because it's a muggle book"

"Oh" Draco said nodding, putting the book back in it's place.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Draco looked across the table at Hermione, admiring the way her hair fell neatly over her shoulders, the way she gripped her mug with both hands and licked her lips before she spoke.

"Draco?"

"Yes?"

"Could I ask you something?"

"I suppose"

"Do you still hate me?" Hermione asked tentively, looking down into her mug.

"Why would I hate you?"

"Well because of before" Draco tried to swallow over the lump that was rising in his throat.

"It's in the past" Hermione looked up at Draco and blinked once.

"But it's not for you"

"Hermione,"

"Look Draco I think that it's time that we talk about this, I mean we've been avoiding each other for almost a year now"

"Not here" Draco said grabbing Hermione's wrist and apparating.

Draco dropped Hermione's wrist and sat down on the couch, inviting Hermione to do the same.

"Look Draco, I'm sorry about what happened between us,"

"Sorry that you did it or sorry that it ended badly?" Draco asked looking down at his hands.

"That it ended badly, look I felt that I had to I mean I was with Harry at the time and the guilt was eating me alive, I couldn't stand it"

"So what changed?"

"I broke it off"

"Why?" Draco asked looking up at Hermione.

"He just wasn't the same, I mean he just seemed… angry, all the time. And there wasn't anything I could do. At first I just thought that he was upset about Ron but, I don't know"

"He never hit you, did he?"

"No, no, he just seemed mad, he wasn't the same person that I'd known" Draco sighed in relieve. "Look Draco, I just want us to be friends, that's all I'm asking. And I don't mean to make things awkward, I just…" Hermione said trailing off. Draco raised an eyebrow, encouraging her to go on, Hermione blushed before responding, "I guess I just miss your company" Draco smiled slightly to himself. "So?"

"Yeah friends"

"Good" Hermione said squeezing Draco's hand.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

In the end Hermione had stayed for dinner and they'd talked more on the subject. It felt good to get things out of the way. At this point though Draco had no clue what would happen. He'd never quite stopped loving Hermione, but he was beginning to believe that he was falling more in love with her. What with her charming smile and beautiful laugh. He didn't want her to leave but he couldn't ask her to stay. She said that they should get together more often. He'd agreed thinking it was a wonderful idea. Draco sighed, scratching his wrists. He couldn't quite tell why the cuts itched this time, perhaps because he wasn't thinking about them and it was a subtle way of reminding him. Draco had made sure to keep his sleeves rolled down so as not to worry Hermione. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be ready to tell her or anybody for that matter. Draco groaned, laying back on his bed.

_**Flashback:**_

"_Why does he mean so much to you?" Draco asked running his fingers through her hair. _

"_Because he's my friend"_

"_But he's not really just your friend any more is he?" Hermione didn't answer "what is he to you now?"_

"_He's my boyfriend" Draco sighed, he'd known this to be true all along but he hadn't wanted to believe it. _

"_Then why do you stay with me?"_

"_Because I love you"_

Draco woke up in a hot sweat, panting. It was only a dream. He told himself, only a dream. But it wasn't a dream it was a nightmare. Draco threw the blankets off himself, walking over to his dresser. He pulled the knife out from the top drawer, sighing in relief as he did so. He sank to the floor, holding the knife tightly in his hand. He looked down at the red raw irritated skin and shook his head in disbelieve. He brought the knife down to his wrist, bitting his lip as he drug it across. Draco watched as the blood ran down his arm, dripping onto the floor. He switched hands, cutting the other wrist.

They were supposed to meet up for breakfast that morning. Hermione sighed walking up to Draco's apartment door. She gently knocked once and when he did not answer she knocked again. She sighed when he didn't answer the door on the third knock. Hermione jiggled the knob, testing to see if it was locked. It wasn't so she let herself in.

"Draco?" she called, looking around the living room and poking her head into the kitchen. She sighed walking to his bedroom. She knocked once on the door, there was no reply so she let herself in.

"Oh God" she said, rushing over to Draco's slumped body. "Draco?" she asked, picking up his head. "Can you hear me?" Draco said nothing as Hermione looked down at the dried blood on his wrists. Hermione knew it wasn't safe but she did it anyway, she apparatted to St. Mungos.

_**Flashback:**_

"_Promise me something?" Hermione asked, looking up at Draco._

"_What's that?"_

"_Promise me you won't die"_

"_Everyone dies eventually"_

"_No Draco, promise me you won't kill yourself"_

"_I promise"_

Draco blinked, trying to open his eyes. He lifted an arm to shield his eyes and was surprised to find his forearm bandaged.

"Thank god you're awake" a voice said from his left. He turned his head to the side to look at who it was and was surprised to see Hermione. "God Draco what were you thinking?"

"When?"

"When you did this to yourself" Hermione said pointing to his bandaged forearms. Draco turned away from Hermione, turning instead to look out the window. "Answer me Draco"

"What do you expect me to say?"

"I want to know why you did this" Draco shook his head.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"To save you"

"You should have left me"

"Draco" Hermione said softly.

"You should have left me, I deserve to die"

"No one deserves to die"

"I do"

"Tell me why you did this" Hermione demanded with more force. Draco chuckled.

"Do you honestly think that it's the first time I've done it?"

"No, but it's the first time you've been brought to the hospital for it and I want to know why you cut so deep" Draco whipped his head around to look at Hermione.

"Have you not been listening?"

"I have"

"Then it should be very clear to you. I. Want. To. Die"

"But you promised"

"What Hermione, what did I promise?"

"You promised you wouldn't kill yourself"

"Why should I keep those promises?"

"Because they mean something to me Draco, I don't want you to die"

"It's not for you to decide"

"It's for you to decide either!" Hermione shouted.

"It's my life and you're not my mother I don't need to confirm everything if you first"

"Your mother Draco, think about your mother"

"What about my mother?"

"Don't you think she'd lost enough? He husband, her pride, her sister. Do you really want to make her lose her son too?"

"She already has"

"No she hasn't, you're still yourself, you still have a life, you're still breathing"

"But I don't want to be"

"Draco!" Hermione shouted. "Can't you see that I don't want anything to happen to you?" she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "What is wrong with you? You were fine yesterday"

"No Hermione I appeared fine yesterday, I already had my mind set"

"You can't do this!" Hermione screamed. "Damnit how can you be so calm about this?"

"I know what I'm going to do"

"I won't let you"

"What makes you think you can stop me?"

"If you kill yourself you're killing me too"

"How is that?"

"Because I love you"

**A/N Oooooooh suspenseful! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"I don't want to go anymore"

"You have to" Hermione said, shoving him closer to the office. "You've made progress you really have, I mean look at yourself, you're wearing a tee shirt"

"Yeah" Draco said looking down at the black tee shirt he wore.

"It's the last time" Hermione said, patting his back.

"Last time" Draco repeated. It'd been three months since his hospital visit and since then Hermione had been sending him to see a therapist. He hadn't agreed at fist but his mother had also instated that he go, so he did, grudgingly at first. Draco sat down in the just comfortable enough chair, sighing as he did so.

"So Mr. Draco it's come to my understanding that this will be our last session"

"Yes" Draco said nodding.

"Alright then, have you been taking your medication?"

"Yes"

"Good, and have you been talking with your family?"

"Yes"

"And have you cut lately?"

"No"

"Good, I see that you are not wearing your most common long sleeve shirt"

"No sir my girlfriend convinced me not to"

"That's good, perhaps though sometime in the future it will be you making that choice"

"God I hope so"

**A/N Sooooooo? What do you think? Should I add more? You tell me reviews are loved and I will take your ideas into consideration. **


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